June - Part 2

Just over 48 hours into my "True Romance" moment and it's changed. It hasn't changed into a "Fatal Attraction" moment or anything, but it has changed.

One of the things June and I had talked about was our love of the hidden track at the end of the Alanis Morrissette album "Jagged Little Pill". I think it's called "Your House". Apparently, she thought it would be cute to act out the song, minus the note from another woman.

I was supposed to come home and find her naked in my bed covered in Reece's Peanut Butter Cup Drizzle. Don't judge. I'm not a freak, but I love Reece's and if a beautiful woman wants to cover herself in anything Reece's, don't call me Sabrina because I'm not just going to stare at it, I'm going to eat it.

This is not what happened.

She hasn't met the roomies or become acquainted with their schedules and coming and goings. She does know mine so she gets to the house, knowing she'll have enough time to prepare before I get home from work. Chris had apparently taken the wee baby on a walk to the in-laws, they just live a couple of blocks away, to drop her for an hour or so while he borrowed the lawn mower.

June shows up expecting a roomie to answer the door, but instead she finds an unlocked and empty house.

As she is getting things going with my music and cologne and robe, Chris gets back and starts mowing the yard. She just thinks he's the yard guy. This part confuses me because I've never seen a yard guy wearing a black trucker hat with the bill turned up that reads "Classy As Fuck" with a a t-shirt that reads "I Get Drunk And Fuck Shit Up" with cutoffs and combat boots, but I won't hold it against her since she hadn't met Chris yet.

While the yard work is happening she makes it to the shower part of the song, minus the salt.

That's when Chris finished the yard and came into the house for a Corona before taking back the lawn mower.

I think you might know where this is going.

"Hell Hath No Fury Like A Woman Scorned"...well change that to "Scared" or "Startled" and make it a 5 foot 4, 120 pound red head who was the youngest of five and the older 4 were boys and she's wearing nothing but my robe.

The neighbors behind us called the cops after the two of them smashed thru a patio door into the backyard.

So, I came home to a half dozen cop cars, three animal control units and two ambulances in front of my house.

Buster still has not been found, sorry Jenna.

I'm currently sitting at the hospital with the Elle and Jessica Doppelgänger's waiting for June to be released. She needed a few stitches and by a few I mean 43. I can't wait to tell the story of how she got them to our grandkids.

I hope you've had a Thursday that was adventurous as mine. If not, get a life.

June - Part 1

It's taken 24 years for it to happen, but it finally did. I had my "True Romance" moment last night.

I had walked up to the corner liquor store with Burn to get a bottle of rum. We walk in and I see the most beautiful red head I've ever seen. I actually thought it was July Suicide at first. She was with a couple other sexy ladies whom I mistakenly thought was Elle and Jessica. I guess you could say it was "Doppelgänger Night" at McSperrits.

Well, my boy Burn did his job perfectly. One of them noticed him and suddenly all three of them are there rubbing on him and asking me questions about him.

As we're chit chatting, it's obvious that I'm having a hard time taking my eyes off the red head, who's name it turns out is June.

The other two are Jazmine and Suzanna.

June and I continue to talk as the other two go to pay for booze.

I grab a bottle and pay for it and we're still talking as we walk outside.

The other two are already in the car, but we keep talking and talking. They finally start honking the horn and Suzanna is hanging out the window asking if we're going to get a room or is June going with them.

She tells them she'll get an Über later and then realizes what she's done. I tell her I can give her a ride wherever she needs to go.

We get to my house and it becomes what I'm sure is going to be the first of many "greatest nights ever".

The really big news is that I went into work this morning and put in my two weeks notice and in two weeks, June and I are moving to the Florida Keys. We're not sure which one, but we can figure that out later.

At some point over the next two weeks, we're getting married. There will be a party and we would prefer cash to presents because of the move.

I guess for this to be a real "True Romance" moment then there would need to be a pimp and/or a suitcase full of cocaine, but there isn't. There is a convertible Cadillac though and there will be a boy named Elvis at some point in the future, which should make Amber happy.

Humpday

It's "Humpday" and I hope it lived up to its name for you.

Mine was the typical roller coaster at work, which I've mentioned before. Then I went to Crawpappy's to grab a bite to eat.

At this point things got a little sideways and not in the "I walked 3 clicks through an Ostrich farm naked" sort of sideways.

I'm sitting on the patio to avoid the crowd and I see a young couple pull in and as they're walking across the parking lot I'm thinking that the woman is dressed a little to provocative for 6:30 on a Wednesday. As she gets closer I start noticing tattoos.

As luck would have it, the young couple joined me on the patio and it's just the three of us.

Up close and personal, this woman looks super familiar. I know her, but can't place the how I know her.

Boyfriend/date gets up to go to the bathroom and she asks if I mind if she smokes. I pull out my cigarettes and tell her I don't mind if she does as long as she doesn't mind if I do.

We begin to chit chat and boyfriend/date comes back from the bathroom.

Introductions are in order. His name is Dave and he's a nurse. Head Nurse, he emphasized later.

Her name was Anya and as we're chit chatting it is discovered that she is a recently unemployed dancer. It also comes up that she remembers me coming into her place of business and buying a pretty substantial number of lap dances from her.

The awkwardness gets better.

Dave is starting to get jealous. She's only talked to me since he went to the bathroom and she's started ordering me drinks and putting them on her tab, which is his tab.

He starts complaining that they will be late for his cousins graduation and she keeps telling him they won't. The whole time her and I are playing "21 Questions" while he sips his beer and sulks.

Quite suddenly her disposition changes as she tells me that she gave me her number and her real name back in the day when she was trying to give me Pink Eye.

It's amazing how quick the mood can change at a party and she apparently really liked me and is pissed I just dismissed her advances.

I'll fast forward to the end, I just got my ass kicked by a male nurse and a stripper. Do you know what that's like? No, because I'm the only person in history who has had their ass kicked by a male nurse and a stripper.

I think there's a moral to this story, but I'll be damned if I can find it.

All I know is the sun hasn't set yet, but I've already been in the back of an ambulance while wearing handcuffs, which is a lot of fun.

I hope your "Humpday" was better than mine.

Until next week. My name is Frank and I must good you bid evening...

Monday is for Drinking

This Monday has gone about as well as a Monday could go.

Woke up happily surprised that I wasn't hungover after a Sunday Funday that involved a round of golf with Roger and shots at Lot 6 with Chris.

Then it was the normal roller coaster at work.

Got home and decided I was going to treat myself to some Sweet Tea Vodka, which led to Dance, Dance, Karaoke in the shower. So, as I was singing "Hey There Fancypants" by Ween to my neighbors thru the bathroom window, I farted (I've stated before that this combination will be the death of me) and literally fell out of the shower.

Next thing I know, I have one of our neighbors yelling at me thru the window asking if I'm oh-kay while the other is bursting thru the front door to help me.

Even though I am clearly awake, the 60 something year old man who burst thru the front door is trying to give me mouth to mouth. Have you ever been mouth to mouth with a 60 something year old man not wearing his dentures? Think about that.

Well, now I am as calm as a Hindu cow as I sit in the back of an ambulance, naked, receiving oxygen from the paramedics.

I bet your Monday was better than mine, although one of the paramedics was a sexy and saucy looking redhead who gave me her number.

Oops, I'm high on oxygen and it was my bill, not a phone number. It has the same number of digits.

I can't wait to see what happens tomorrow.