Century City

Century City

By

Nathan Caleb Camerer

Poor me

Poor, poor, pitiful me

A big boy

With a good heart

A little fucked up

In love with a ghost

Stuck in the past

Semi-autobiographical bullshit

No rhyme

No rhythm

No meaning

No purpose

In a house

That’s not a home

Without my girls underfoot

Trying to face the future

Full of uncertainty

Why?

Why do I love her so much?

I don’t know

Sometimes

You get it right

You get it right the first time

You know

And it defines you

For the rest of your life

You fall in love

And it was the right one

It’s just that the time was wrong

The future

Not the past

Forward

Not reverse

Use your words

Make something up

Talking in riddles

Trying to hide the truth

I gotta be more

I gotta do more

Maybe I’ll go to the woods

Suck the morrow out of life

And live deliberately

Become friends with Uncle Walt

The Sweaty Toothed Madman

Maybe that’s me

Mad love

Who knows?

We’ll always have Century City

Words I'd Like to Hear

Words I’d Like to Hear

By

Nathan Caleb Camerer

Your sky blue eyes

The way they see all of me

All the things I am

All the things I can be

Without judging me

When I look in them

And see my reflection

I feel like I’m a part of you

A part of your soul

The taste on your lips

When we kiss

Is as unique as you

And I long to taste it again

At night

Your chest against my back

Your left arm around me

Under mine

My left hand on yours

Palm to back

Fingers interlaced

My face resting on them

Your face

Buried in the nape of my neck

I feel your breath on my shoulders

In rhythm with mine

Your knees pressed against the back of mine

My feet caressing the tops of yours

As intertwined

And one

As two can be

For lack of a better word

Perfect

In the morning

No longer

Tangled arms and legs

Still touching

Always touching

Its an arm or a leg

A foot or a hand

Sometimes

Butt to butt

It lets me know

That you are always there

The way you just say “okay”

When I’m mad and yelling at you

It just makes me angrier

But it lets me know

That you are actually listening

You’re listening to what I’m saying

Even if I don’t know

Exactly what I’m saying

You listen

The way you love me

The way you always say

That you love me more

It’s a challenge to me

You challenge me

To prove that I love you

Just as much

As you love me

The way you forgive my outbursts of anger

The way you forgive my faults

And accept them

I will try and prove to you

I will spend the rest of my life

Trying to prove

How devoted I am

To you

To us

To our future

Because I love you

White Picket Fence

White Picket Fence

By

Nathan Caleb Camerer

Life

What you want

And what you need

Are seldom the same

The “Man” with a plan

Destiny

Freewill

Karma

Call it what you will

Bullshit

Maybe

Depends on what you want

Depends on what you need

Never the same

Those two little words

They fucking suck

Sometimes

My wants

My needs

Aren’t that different

Are they?

A wife

Kids

A cat

A dog

A house with a white picket fence

My “Life Plan,” circa 1997

Marriage at 25

First kid at 28

Second kid at 32

33 is just around the corner

None of those things have happened

Never will

I guess my needs and wants

Are different

My one shot

It was wasted

And it came too late

Maybe

Too many left turns

Too many adventures

Too many good times

And now you’re gone

Moved on

Moved away

Or have you?

Is it too late?

Can I save my plan?

Can we still be a family?

Can I be good enough for you?

The “Man” with a plan

Destiny

Freewill

Karma

They are in control

Wait and see

I suppose

Wait and see

If I get my white picket fence

And if I get it with you

Bartender

Bartender

By

Nathan Caleb Camerer

Beer and a shot

For only $5

Perfect

Miller and Rum

Make it chilled

How am I?

Swimming in sorrow

How are you?

Living the dream

I’m not there yet

A couple more rounds

Maybe I’ll believe that

Another round?

Absolutely

Still not there

Nothing worth talking about

It will pass

After a couple more rounds

Another one?

Absolutely

Keep it chilled

What sorrows am I swimming in?

Where to begin

Where to begin

She has my heart

And plays games with it

They gave me life

And don’t care

She signs my paychecks

Menopause

Another round?

Absolutely

Feeling better?

A little

Could just be the booze

Could be the venting

The dream is in sight

One more round

What will I do?

Dream about her

I love her

I can’t help it

Forgive them

Honor thy mother

And thy father

Keep my nose to the grindstone

Last round

I am Frank

And I must go

And I good you bid evening

Wait…

Tell Me

Tell Me

By

Nathan Caleb Camerer

Can you tell me

What color my eyes are

And what you see

When you look into them

Can you tell me

What it is about my smile

That you love so much

Can you tell me

If it’s crooked

Like my nose

Can you tell me

What it is about my lips

And how they taste when we kiss

Can you tell me

What it is about my voice

Or my laugh

That melts your anger

Can you tell me

What it is about my fingers

And the feeling they produce

When they caress your skin

Can you tell me

What it is about my hands

That makes you want to hold them

Can you tell me

What it is about my arms

And what you feel

When they’re wrapped around you

Can you tell me

What it is about my body

And the desires it evokes

When it’s pressed against yours

Can you tell me

What it is about my heart

And if it’s big enough for you

Can you tell me

What it is about my soul

And what made you think

That it was the perfect mate for yours

Can you tell me

My hopes and dreams

Can you tell me

Who I am

Or who you want me to be

Tell me

Tell me

Tell me what you want from me

Today

Today

By

Nathan Caleb Camerer

Today

I welcome the sound of my alarm clock

Today

I dress for work

And lace up these work boots

Without resentment

Today

I don’t look at this job

As one I took

Just to make you happy

Because the paychecks are bigger

Today

I don’t call you on my lunch break

Just to say “hi”

And ask you how your day is going

Or hear your voice

Today

I don’t make plans

To take you out

For dinner

And drinks

And karaoke

And dancing

Today

I don’t count the minutes

Until the next time I see you

Today

I embrace the new day

And the possibilities

They are endless

Today

Is the first day of “me”

Today

I stop on my way home

And buy a new CD

Or a new movie

Just to say, “I love me”

Not just to say, “I love you”

Today

I start to let you go

Tonight

Tonight

By

Nathan Caleb Camerer

Tonight

I go to bed early

Without the assistance of drugs or alcohol

Tonight

I sleep alone

And do so happily

Tonight

I don’t think about you

Tonight

I don’t think about your eyes

Windows

They lead to your soul

Your beautiful soul

That I was the mate to

For just a little while

Tonight

I don’t think about your skin

Soft and hot

Like a magnet

Tonight

I don’t think about your voice

Bedroom naughty

And pitch perfect

To grace my ears forever

Tonight

I don’t dream about you

And the life we could have had

Tonight

I embrace loneliness

Without the assistance of drugs or alcohol

Tonight

I accept my future

And what it holds for me

Without you

My soulmate

For just a little while

Tonight

I did not check my phone 27 times

Hoping for a call or text

That isn’t coming

Tonight

I let go

Chances

Chances

By

Nathan Caleb Camerer

1^st, 2^nd, 3^rd, 4^th

5^th chances

When is enough

Where was the line

That was drawn in the sand

Was it crossed

On the way

To the grass

That is always greener

On the other side

The slope is slippery

If you try, try again

Does your footing get more sure

Learn from your mistakes

Move forward

Progress

Compromise

Adapt

Adjust

Modify

Keep drawing lines

In sand that is constantly changed

By the ebb and flow

Of the tides of life

6^th, 7^th, 8^th, 9^th

10^th chances

I won’t stop, not ever

Crossing that line

Scratched in sand or dirt

Engraved in steel

Carved in wood

That first step is a big one

And you’re worth it

Mothballs

Mothballs

By

Nathan Caleb Camerer

The Black Keys invade my dream

The dream becomes reality

I answer my phone

A thunderstorm

Of Tears

Of sobs

Of words

Words that break my heart

That pierce it back together

At the same time

Love

Mistakes

Time

Numb

Feelings

A flashflood of emotions

I’m drowning

In hopes and dreams

That I buried

Under ten and a half tons

Of mothballs

The aroma is stifling

Confusion

The look

The feel

All original and just like before

But different

Wrong

Something is wrong

I’ve lost my footing

And my sense of direction

In a mudslide

Which way is right

Which way is left

Can the smell of mothballs

Be washed away

By Winter rain

Or the bloom

Of Spring flowers