Rememberness Forgotten

Rememberness Forgotten

By

Nathan Caleb Camerer

Some things never change

Or do they?

Does anyone really care?

What has changed since then?

How long has it been?

Has it really been that long?

I haven’t changed

I’m so sorry for that

I’m so sorry for that every time I see you,

Every time you say those words

I always believed you

I always will

Will you never tell me to forget again?

I feel it’s my job to remind you

I must remind you of something

Do I remind you of another time?

A time before you became cynical perhaps

You cannot be cynical and expect to have any kind of success

Success in this world or any other

Success in love, life or anything

I hope you pray, but don’t pray for me

You cannot pray for a soulless man

That’s something I may not be, but you’re different from me

Different in what way and how much is still unclear

Enough to treat the illness at hand

The illness of no longer being able to do or say the things that make us feel good

The illness of not forgetting about you

The one who failed to show for my wedding,

The one who made me ask myself, ‘why do I need a woman?’

Why would a woman want me?

I’m house trained

I’m untamed though, maybe

I don’t piss on the carpets

Who wants this?

Do I want just one to want me?

I love them all and you can’t love them all if you only love one

If that’s truth then that’s interesting

I think when they really get to see “me” they don’t like what they see

Is that what happened?

Did you get scared?

Are you scared now?

Has your life turned out the way you wanted?

Does anybody’s life turn out that way?

Does it matter?

I’m just drifting around trying to figure things out

I consider myself lucky to have felt something

Something that looked or smelled or resembled real love at all

Most folks never taste that

Settle for what’s in front of them

Settle for whoever they knocked up or who did the knocking

I tasted it though

It made everyday anointed

It was like fresh watermelon, right out of the garden

It made me believe in heaven

Do you believe in heaven?

I don’t know that I still do

I believe in writing

I write all the time

Sometimes I write “Dear God” and ask why I’ve got nothing,

But what does all this gibberish mean?

It means I can’t believe I chose so well

I chose to not run and hide

I woke up with that warm body next to mine…

Pushing and questions

A lack of respect for what we both do

It was undefined

I didn’t know my role

I still don’t

Do I want to?

I still don’t know why I’ve done the things I’ve done

I don’t know why I pretend you still love me

I don’t know why I want to know,

To know how and when it went from you loving me to you not loving me,

And even if you told me, then what?

Would I believe you?

Living in some sort of disillusionment is easier than being honest

Now I look at photographs of the past,

They ask me, ‘what are you afraid of, old man?’

I don’t need pictures though

I remember everything like it was yesterday

I’ll never forget, yet I forgot

I’ve forgotten how you smell in the morning before work

You arrived like a day and passed like a clown

I made a wish and I said it out loud

Everybody heard it

Everybody made fun of my misfortune

Now, I drink the drinks

I wonder if you are here to save me

I wonder if you like it

Do you like it?

Can you keep me alive all by yourself?

The ghost that I hear in my ear and see when I close my eyes

You can’t have the past back

Do you want it back?

All of this is a way to show that I remember

I remember how I used to feel

I remember how I felt 25 years ago

25 years from now I’ll remember what this felt like

If I can’t remember that beautiful moment

That moment when I said who I’d become

The promise I made

I will never forget my life, the one I wanted to live

I will not forget the man I wanted to be

I can still be that man

To forget is to fail

If I forget then I am dead

I’m not dead yet

I’m not dead