Beautifully Dark Sadness

Beautifully Dark Sadness

By

Nathan Caleb Camerer

This is it

I can see the floor

The floor of this nightly downward spiral

I’ve been there so many times

So many nights over the past years

Now my tears have worn a hole thru it

My face and body have rubbed out a spot

From all the tossing and turning

From dreams that become nightmares

And nightmares that become dreams

The spot in the floor

It fits my shape

And makes it very comfortable

Almost like home

It’s become too comfortable

This beautifully dark sadness

Is a good description of my current state

Double vision is the only thing keeping me from dialing a number

A number that belongs to someone who hates me

Someone I’m not good enough to marry

Someone I’m not good enough to have children with

Someone I’m not good enough to be friends with

I’m not even good enough to lick dog shit off their boot heel

Are the feelings for each other real

And we’re just unwilling to wait for the gap between us to close

Or are our wants unknown

Until the next bright shiny new smile

The bright shiny new smile that spits a few compliments

Sometimes you give someone your heart

And they give you theirs

Sometimes you give more than they do

And become a glutton for punishment

Unable to break free for the rest of your life

All because of love

The dirtiest and heaviest of all four-letter words

Regardless of what language you speak

Someday someone will tally up the cost of that little illusion